Today I officially finished my project, with the completion of redos of No. 2 and No. 31. I actually wasn’t anticipating being finished today at all, but both pieces went fairly quickly.  Once I saw that I was getting further along, I was pretty determined to finish when it became clear that this was going to be possible today. I’ll admit that working on No. 31, the final piece, was rather excruciating. I drove myself a little crazy going back and forth thinking contradictory thoughts to myself.  On one hand, I felt like I was getting lazy, letting my anxiousness to finish get to me,  and therefore not working enough on the piece which could possibly lead to an unfinished looking piece. On the other hand, I simultaneously thought that  I was overworking the piece and working on it just to keep working on it. I’m always very conscious about overworking a piece; gesture is so important in my work and I think that you can lose a feeling of gesture and spontaneity really quickly when a piece has been labored too much.

(above) Self-Portrait No. 2 (redo)

(above) Self-Portrait No. 31 (redo)

I can’t believe that I’m just two portraits away from being finished. This is probably the first time in my career that I’ve been building everything up to such a definitive moment of completion. In the past it always seemed like it was a mental decision to stop working on a project; either I was bored or I felt like I had exhausted the content as far as I could. It was always a decision to stop working, rather than having a really specific, concrete goal.  In this case, it was sheer quantity and scale that I challenged myself to.  I find it refreshing to know so clearly that the project is finished.

I’m anxious enough to finish that I worked on and finished a redo of No. 22 today while many parts of it were still wet. No. 22 was a relatively quick piece, there is so much shadow on the face, and very few wrinkles in the skin that I really didn’t have to do all that much to it compared to other pieces.  No. 48 on the other hand was full of wrinkles all over, especially in the mouth which I found to be one of the more expressive parts of that piece.

(above) Self-Portrait No. 22

(above) Self-Portrait No. 37 (detail)

I’m just a few steps closer to my goal today. I finished up a redo of No. 37 and finished No. 47. This leaves four more portraits to complete. The closed eyes in the redo of No. 37 were pretty tough because of the amount of wrinkles and detail involved in the forms. I find the only way to really deal with it is the simply to articulate one form after another, while at the same time maintaining a sense of the larger forms to create a cohesive grouping. This is where I find my training in sculpture is especially useful; I think I’m able to deconstruct form and analyze how its structured and put together.  I enjoy looking at the form and trying to figure out what direction the form is moving in, so that the form has some kind of goal and purpose. I ask myself what kind of form I’m looking at: a thin one, a fat one, a stretched one, etc. so that I can characterize each form better. These are the concepts that keep me from getting completely lost in a sea of details and forms.

(above) Self-Portrait No. 37

(above) Self-Portrait No. 47

I’m now at a point where I have the etching ink portions finished on the final six portraits. Unfortunately, most of them are not quite dry enough to be worked on yet so I’ve been trying to work on publicity materials and other items for the upcoming exhibitions.  I had to tiptoe around No. 47: a few spots of etching ink were still wet so I had to be careful to only work on the dry areas. It was a hassle to have to hold back on working certain areas, but at least I got a few sections finished today. The rest of the portraits are too wet, so I’m hoping that storing the portraits in my office where it’s warmer will allow them to dry fully over the weekend.

(above) Self-Portrait No. 31, redo

Today was a better day in the studio than yesterday; I was overall less distracted and was able to focus and accomplish more.  I kept repeating to myself  ”Just start. Just start.”  (great advice from my former colleague Bill Flynn at the School of the Museum of Fine Arts.) I started off the day with the etching ink portion of my last redo, which means that all of the last pieces are now officially in progress and I have no more that need to be started. I feel like I could do redos forever, but I’m now at a point where I look at each of the fifty drawings and feel that I am satisfied with each of them. I also finished No. 43 and a redo of No. 6 which felt great.

(above) Self-Portrait No. 6, redo (detail)

I’m starting to put together materials for the catalog, which will accompany my two solo exhibitions in March. One important aspect that I want in the catalog are details (such as the one above) of the pieces so that the smaller aspects of the technique  can be clearly seen.   From a digital image, my work is easily misread and people frequently make the assumption that these are charcoal drawings, and completely miss out on seeing transparent quality of the Dura-Lar. The cross-hatching with the exacto knife is completely lost as well, it’s just too small to be seen in a full image. The scale of the portraits is also really tough to read from a digital image; scale is never easy to discern anyway, but I think with a portrait it’s especially easy to picture it as being a life size head.

(above)Self-Portrait No. 43

(above)Self-Portrait No. 6, redo

Self-Portrait No. 22, redo (above)

I’m moving along with these pieces: I started No. 22, finished No. 49, and worked on details of No. 6. However, I have to confront and admit to the fact that I’m starting to get impatient with the series and am starting to think more about being finished than the actual drawing process itself.  All day today I spent a lot of my time reminding myself that I have to stay on task, be focused, and not dream of being finished. I think in some ways at this point this is inevitable: Looking on the walls today there are only seven portraits to go, (with the possibility of one more redo, but I’m still thinking about it) which means that the end is very near. I guess when you’re in the beginning or in the middle of the series there’s just so much work that you don’t even dream of being finished because the end is so far away. Right now the end is so close I can smell it.

Self-Portrait No. 49 (above)

Self-Portrait No. 6, redo (above)

I found out yesterday that I will be having two simultaneous solo exhibitions in March: “Sinking” will be at the Hillel Gallery Project at Brown University, and “Descent” will be at the Herter Gallery at University of Massachusetts Amherst. I had originally thought with the Hillel show to simply fit whatever I could into the space, knowing that all 50 wouldn’t fit and that it would be okay if I didn’t have exactly 50 portraits completely finished at that point.  This UMass show changes that all: I have to have 50 portraits finished by March now in order to have enough work to fill both galleries. I know that everything will get done in time, but I have to really buckle down and focus like never before.

With this new development I’m trying not to put pressure on myself as I work. In fact, today I was attempting to not think at all, to keep my mind completely empty and solely focused on the technical process of creating.   I’m now down to the wire: I have 2 more portraits to begin, and 7 in progress, so it’s hard not to keep thinking about being done.

I worked on No. 47 (below) and a redo of No. 37 (above) today.  I currently have 5 portraits in progress and have 4 more to begin. It’s interesting how the smallest change in your materials or approach can affect your process and force you to adapt: I ran out of etching ink and opened a new can of ink yesterday. The new can has ink that is much runnier than what I had earlier so, yet at the same time once it touches the surface of the Dura-Lar it is pretty stiff and tacky. So I’ve been spending time today getting used to this subtle change. At one point I tried latex gloves, (instead of nitrile gloves) thinking that they would be more comfortable to wear, but instead it turned out that the latex gloves were actually too smooth and I couldn’t get a “grip” on the ink the way I could with the nitrile gloves.  I guess after working on a long series you get used to things being a certain way, and when anything changes it feels like a big deal.

Today I got to work on the etching ink portions of No. 43 (above) and a redo of No. 6(below). Technically speaking,  No. 43 was “easier” in that the image had a lot of distortion combined with harsh, dramatic shadows. I feel like when a portrait has those aspects I almost can’t go wrong. The redo of No. 6 was tougher because there are so many subtle areas where there is just the slightest touch of the lightest grey, and the face is largely illuminated without any dramatic shadows.

In other news:  mark your calendars!  The opening reception for my upcoming solo exhibition, featuring this series of 50 self-portraits, at the Brown/RISD Hillel Gallery Project is Tuesday, March 6, 5:30-7:30pm.

For a change of work pace, I went back into No. 15 and No. 16, the first time that I’ve gone back to old pieces in this series.  Usually my mindset is to move on or do another one, but I knew that these two portraits had redeeming qualities so I didn’t want to start them again.   Specifically, I wanted to see if I could get rid of the black backgrounds.  At the time I wasn’t thinking about it, but now that I’ve had some distance the inconsistency of having black backgrounds in these two portraits bothers me.  (all of the other portraits have white backgrounds)  I do also think that with the white backgrounds that the drawings can “breathe” better. So I went at the backgrounds with a mat knife and a bunch of razorblades, fiercely scraping away at the caked on etching ink. It was time consuming and tough on my fingers, but in the end I was able to achieve a nearly clean surface again which is what I was looking to do.

I also finished up a redo of No. 5, I”m particularly happy with the whiteness of the eyes.  When you work in black and white it’s always hard to show “color” in a black and white image. I find that it’s critical to keep making comparisons between tonal areas, asking yourself which area is lighter or darker and to understand the relationships between the tones rather than the individual tones themselves. I think in this case I was able to capture the white color of the eyes against the darkness of the skin.

(above) Self-Portrait No. 5, redo